How-to article for parents:
Pivot Cards: The Easy, Fast, & Smart Way to Discipline
A Stack of Cards in the Kitchen
The kitchen: the liveliest room. Definitely the heart of the house.
It’s where homework help happens while spaghetti sauce is stirred and the day’s events are shared while sinks are Ajaxed.
It’s also where the conflict resolution occurs…
Because when you’re dealing with kids, there’s going to be squabbles, toys taken (and thrown), hair pulled, names called, chores undone.
Also- hurt feelings, frustration, defiance, restlessness, anger, and misunderstandings.
Phew! That’s a lot.
Like I said- the heart of the house.
Which is why I designated a small space on the countertop for a basket of Pivot Cards.
What on earth are Pivot Cards? You ask.
Quite literally- a stack of multi-colored 3X5 cards. Nothing fancy. Definitely not professional. My own imperfect handwriting in Crayola marker. Frayed at the edges because they’re worn…because they are used a lot (and because I don’t have one of those laminating gadgets).
On a deeper level, though, they’re the tool I use to help foster harmony and self-reliance amongst our five children.
Let’s Back up…
I actually started out years ago like most parents, using conventional methods of discipline. Time-outs, raising my voice, warnings, spanking (yep- I spanked!). Once, I even tried the good ‘ol soap bar in the mouth tactic.
But, I kept being dissatisfied with the results.
Improvement wasn’t happening. More like my authoritarian control leading to momentary submission.
If the point of parental influence is to foster development, why wasn’t I seeing signs of positive growth?
Our oldest was only 8 at time. I still had years of parenting ahead of me. There had to be a better way.
What do I Really Want for My Kids?
When I took a closer look at why I felt so dissatisfied, I realized what I really wanted wasn’t total control over my kids’ behavior. I really wanted a way to teach them how to self-regulate.
Conflict resolution in the kitchen happened after someone’s negative feelings led to poor decisions.
How could I help them develop the ability to recognize when they were out of sorts and then take action to get themselves back to a more balanced place? Like when you drive a car and veer onto the rumble strip. Before you end up in the ditch, you merely steer your car back into the lane.
In other words, self-reliance.
The Solution
The solution had to be fast and easy because I was very busy.
Also, fun. Sort of like a game. I was dealing with kids, after all.
And it needed to be reliable but not rigid.
I wanted something that was used less as a punishment and more as a means to help kids create better habits. Something that got them to practice recognizing their negative mindset and then switch direction to a more positive one.
My ultimate hope was long term. Maybe I could come up with a method that would teach them to stop and pivot on their own: stop before the negative feelings got out of hand and pivot toward something more positive before they lashed out.
How it Works
I bought a box of index cards and divided them into four color-coded categories based on what I saw my own kids needing. I’ll go in to detail below about each of these “Magic Four” categories. I wrote the category on the front of each card and the action on the back.
The basic premise is that when there was some sort of conflict or someone wasn’t following the family rules, I’d choose one of the four categories I felt best fit the situation. Then, the kid(s) involved would choose one card from that category. The cards were face down, so they could see the category but not the solution on the backside.
After they chose a card from the category, we’d read the short instructions on the backside, and then the kid would immediately do what the card suggested.
And that’s it!
Fast, Easy, and Fair
The cards remained in their little box in the kitchen. So, they were easy to access in a moment’s notice. The whole process took about 5 minutes.
The tasks were simple enough that the kids needed no help from me. As they wandered off to complete a task, I got back to what I was doing before the squabble happened.
The kids never complained that the cards were unfair. They genuinely felt that the category I chose best fit the situation and the suggestion on the back of the card was reasonable. Nor did they feel someone was let off the hook while another got a harsh punishment.
There was a sense of closure, a sense that the issue was corrected and it was time to move on.
A Few Side-Notes
-You know your kids, your family’s lifestyle, and your household better than anyone, so tailor the cards accordingly. Think about your children’s capabilities, tendencies and needs. If there is a big age gap, you may consider creating 2 decks- one for the younger children and another for the older kids. Think about your house and neighborhood- what do you have access to that can be incorporated into the cards?
-Think of this as a work in progress. Observe the results. Be open to making adjustments and trying new cards or different categories as time goes on.
-You’re the authority. You decide which category best fits the situation and the child’s need at that moment. Trust that the suggestion on the back of the card will do what it’s meant to do.
-Timing is important. Kids live in the moment and they move on quickly. Choosing a card is meant to happen immediately following an incident and doing the instructions happens then too. This is brief and everyone moves on with their day.
The Magic Four
Here are the categories and suggestions I came up with that work best for my family. Each category consists of several cards. Again- the category name is written on the front of each card and just one suggestion is detailed on the backside. So, the child knows which category he is choosing from, but he doesn’t know the action he’ll be taking until he turns the card over.
1. Release Pent-up Energy
Kids have A LOT of energy. And that get-up-and-go needs to, well, get up and go… somewhere. Preferably somewhere positive.
Have you ever tried to constrain your child’s energy, say at a church service or an older sibling’s band recital? You might be able to keep a lid on it for a short time, but pretty soon it begins oozing out in undesirable ways.
That’s where good ‘ol fashioned physical activity comes in. Swimming, biking, playing soccer... all positive ways for kids to express the dynamism and stay balanced. Physical activity is extremely important for their mental and physical well-being.
When it’s obvious that they need to release some energy, I have them pull a card from this deck.
Card Suggestions:
- Go outside for 30 minutes: ride bike or scooter, shoot hoops, jump on trampoline, swim laps
-Run or speed walk on treadmill for 30 minutes
-Do 75 of one of the following: sit-ups, push-ups, jumping jacks, squats
-Play outside with the dogs for 30 minutes: fetch with the tennis ball, take them for a walk, play tug-of-war with the rope toy
-Choose a new workout from your favorite exercise app and do a 30 minute training session
-Wash the car (inside and out!)
2. Give to Others
Doing something nice for others really does feel good. It boosts our mood and motivates us to keep giving.
My kids are used to being the recipients of kindness: goodies from grandparents who stop by to visit, really cool birthday gifts, going on bike rides with Dad, being read a book by mom…
But what about the conscious effort to do something thoughtful for another person? This category is meant to reinforce the sensation of feeling happy because you just made someone else feel good. It also gives them the opportunity to discover that they have the potential to positively influence the world around them.
I use these cards when someone is intentionally mistreating another or acting destructively. Name-calling and put-downs, excluding others, hitting the dog, damaging someone’s toy… you get the drift.
Card Suggestions:
-Do an extra chore to help our household run smoothly: dump garbage, unload dishwasher, water the flowers, hose patio, change laundry
-Clean dogs’ bowls and fill up with fresh food and water
-Send someone a thank you note for something nice they have done for you or something you appreciate about them
-Make a list of 15 things you like about someone in our family. Give that person your list.
-Use your hand-held massager and Rub someone’s back
-Brush the dogs and give them each a treat
-Take a surprise over to one of the neighbors, maybe a flower, a drawing or a home-baked good.
-Help someone with homework
-Practice an activity with someone like your younger sibling or neighbor- help them get better at something you already know how to do
3. Replenish Your Spirit
With so many outside distractions and a fast-paced modern lifestyle, today’s kids pack a lot into an average day with little time left to experience quiet and calm. School, sports and extracurricular activities, chores, homework, video games and apps.
This category is all about slowing down for a short time, doing something soothing, and being alone without distractions. These cards give them practice disconnecting from the noise of modern life and connecting to their own spirit.
When I notice someone is out of sorts or feeling down and acting out because of their feelings, I pull one of these cards.
Card Suggestions:
-Read a book for 20 minutes
-Draw, paint or color for 20 minutes
-Write one of these 20 times: I am love, I am peace, I am happy
-Make a list of 10 things you are thankful for
-Listen to relaxing mindful music or a guided mediation for 20 minutes
-Eat one cup of fresh fruit- take your time and notice how each bite smells, tastes, and feels
-Write about one thing you love and draw a picture of it
-Rest quietly on your bed for 10 minutes
-Look at family photos of when you were little
-Take a warm bubble bath
4. Consequence
Like it or not, there are consequences to all of our actions. Typically, we flow through the day not thinking much about our decisions. But, it’s good for kids to recognize that decisions matter.
We live in world of social boundaries and order- family rules, school rules, societal laws. When you obey, life is usually pretty smooth. But when you don’t, the likelihood that you’ll be punished becomes real.
These cards reinforce the idea that kids can make better decisions in the future.
When someone is blatantly defiant, disrespectful, or breaks an important rule, then I pull a consequence card.
Card Suggestions:
-Stop using a certain device or toy (Mom’s choice) for an hour
-Sit in the very back seat of car for 3 times
-Go to bed 30 minutes early
-Free pass: you’re forgiven
-Give $1 to each person you hurt
-Write the following 30 times: “I am kind, respectful, and loving”
-Write an apology note and include 10 things you like about the person you hurt
-Do an extra chore that mom chooses
A New Utensil in the Kitchen
So let’s venture back to the stack of Pivot Cards in the kitchen.
They’re easy, fun, and effective.
They help kids realize that negative feelings can lead to poor decisions. But recognizing being off-balance isn’t enough. They need practice getting themselves back on track. The cards give them specific actions that accomplish this.
Just like you need utensils to prepare the food that nourishes your children, you need parenting tools to help create a thriving environment. Now you have a shiny new utensil to use.